


Escape Plans Only Work in the Movies: the Second Edition.

by Jakey_kun



Category: Homestuck
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Although dirkjake will be a thing, But adorably so, Don't look at the epilogue tho, Flirting, Fluff tales, It's finally done guys!, Jake is such a dweeb, Lifelong friends, Nursing Home AU, There's no main character or pairing, They're old, Who am I kidding? They will ensue, hijinks may ensue, new and improved, short chapters are a thing that happens, smooth as silk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-17 06:15:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2299454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jakey_kun/pseuds/Jakey_kun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That one Au where Dave, Dirk, Karkat, and Jake end up at the same nursing home. Elderly shenanigans are done, which only goes to show that friends are few and far between, but best friends are forever. (Alternatively titled "Growing old is mandatory, but growing up was never on the agenda")</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Be Karkat===> then Jake

**Author's Note:**

> Hi lovelies. So this is the new rendition of 'Escape Plans Only Work in the Movies'. There will be no more killing or plot twists. Sorry for those of you who'd enjoyed them before. Instead, I'll focus mainly on the fabulous quartet's friendship. Anyhow, thanks for reading, I hope you guys like this one as well. Comments, kudos, and questions are always appreciated. :D
> 
> *Dedication goes to pyyrhic_victoly for making me realize that trolling is not a thing that should happen. XD Thank you :)

 

 **“** Dave **,** you take out the night guard. Dirk, you hack into the secretary’s computer and turn off the auto lock to the security gate. Jake and I will gather the supplies. We begin at 10:00 p.m, be ready and on point.” Your little group breaks up and agrees to reconvene during dinner. You shuffle to your room to think. As you turn on the light, shut the door behind you, and stumble to your uncomfortable bed; elation suddenly jolts through you filling you with joy. You’re leaving, you’re finally leaving this miserable place with its sickening smell, and locked doors. The schedule that you must follow makes you want to upchuck with its monotony.  
 ****  
8:oo A.M.- _Wake up_  
 **8:30 A.M.-** _Baths_  
 **9:oo A.M**.- _Breakfast_  
 **10:45 A.M.-** _Listen_ _to the director spew as much sunshine about making each day count as he can_  
 **11:oo A.M**.- _Exercise_  
 **12:oo P.M.-** _Lunch_  
" **FREE TIME** "  
 **6:30 P.M.** – _Dinner_  
 **8:30 P.M**.- _Baths (_ again)  
 **9:00 P.M**.- _Bed_  
   
     Repeat the next day and the next, and so on, up until your time runs out. You aren't stupid enough to want to stay here following this stupid thing forever. No, you’re sick of it all, you’re sick of the nurses who either are grossed out by having to wash your sagging skin; or try to make everything better by telling you unwished for stories about their 'cute little grandparents' who apparently look just like you. Most of all, you are sick and tired of Skaia Pines Nursing Home! You will get out if it’s the last thing you do.  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞   
       
    After your nurse takes you to dinner, you spot your friends chatting and make your way over. Dave turns to you with a smirk.  
“You ready for tonight, Karkitty?” He asks. You nod and bite into your roll. Dave’s been there for you your best friend since seventh grade. He’d bailed you in school as well as here time and time again, including when you had tried to find out what was in the food by breaking into the storage room in the middle of the night, and then trying to escape once you had found out.  
“Ready as I’ll ever be,’ you answer. Dirk starts snickering, effectively capturing your attention.  
“What?”  
“How many times have you tried to escape now, Vantas?”  
Oh. You scowl, embarrassed, “Seven”  
“How many times have you actually succeeded?” Your mouth twists and you glare at him. He shakes his head, still snickering. You roll your eyes and look away, at the rest of your friends. Every single one of them is staring at you with a wide, moronic grin. When you flip them off, they start laughing.  
“Screw you guys,” you grumble. It’s not your fault you got caught, your legs just don’t work like they used to. Sprinting turned to jogging when you turned 48, and with age, it’s gotten worse. You can barely walk 3 blocks without being winded. If only your body were as young as your mind. A hand touches your wrist and draws you out of your reverie. It’s Jake. He’s still smiling, but it’s soft and kind.  
“Don’t mind those buggers, they’re just a tad nervous. I mean, you haven’t exactly been the epitome of leadership, mate.”  
“Thanks.” Your tone is sour, and your purse your lips before taking a sip of your drink. Dave rolls his eyes. (The only reason you can see this, because when he and Dirk turned 55, all of his friends including you, took away their rights to wear shades, stating that they were, in fact, creepy.)  
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, old man. You know we still care and all that.” He gives you the half-smile that used to drive you crazy during middle school. “We’re all in this together.”  
  
             Your name is Karkat Vantas, and for a moment, you forget about the world, and focus on your friends- your best friends, looking at you like… you actually mean something to them. Blinking away the tears that have suddenly sprung forth, you smile gratefully. With these wonderful morons helping, your plan couldn’t possibly go wrong.  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞ ∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞ ∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞   
  
             Your name is Jake English and you’ve never been so horrified in your entire life! You glance around the room they’ve put you, Dirk, Dave, and Karkat in. It’s small; about the size and width of a small Ronald McDonald’s, and full of cheery posters telling you to ‘Hang in there’ or to ‘Live every day like it’s your last, because it might be.’ Early bedtime, check. No dessert with your lunch, check. No free time to catch up on TV, check. GREAT STAGGERING SWORDS! This can’t be happening. You realize in horror that you’re basically in a detention room for geriatrics! This is preposterous! By gum, you’re not a teenager anymore, and they have no right to put you in here! …Of course, it _is_ your fault that you’ve all been stuck in here for the past three hours...  
             Needless to say, none of you made an escape last night. Dave forgot that there were **two** guards to distract and ended up being escorted to the Director’s office to explain why he’d needed to get up (you don’t know how or why he thought ‘For the apple juice, man. For the apples.’ was a good answer, but it was said nonetheless); Dirk couldn’t find his prized hair gel in the dark and refused to leave without it (the bottle represents his youth or something like that); and finally, Karkat had woken everybody within two miles up with his yelling and curses because he’d fallen, and hadn't been able to get back up (Too bad he didn’t have medical alert, huh?). You were the only competent one; not counting the little spill you had in the kitchens (It turns out carrying more plates than you can handle and dodging tables in the dark is not a good combination in any shape or form). Anyway, since the lot of you had failed the mission, you now had to deal with the consequences. The only reason the Director of the home had found out you were trying to escape, was because you had admittedly broken under his rapid-fire questioning; earning you the ire of your friends. Well, specifically Dirk. (You’d already made it up to the other two by presenting them with quality homemade presents)   
“Dirk,” you whisper, nudging the person closest to you. He gives you an uninterested look, which you ignore.  
“Look mate, I’m awfully sorry… And I know just the way to make it up to you!” He raises an eyebrow before turning back to his book. You sigh dejectedly. You guess it won’t be easy getting your friendship ba-.  
“It better be good then, English.” The reply is said with a light tone, but you know that he means it. You make an affirmative noise before sighing.

How on Earth are you supposed to pull this off?


	2. The List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake has a rather... interesting surprise in store for Dirk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, so I won't be posting as much for anything, because I'll be out of the state without internet. If I do happen to get some wifi though, I'll happily start updating. (this was a really short filler chapter)

**LIST FOR DIRK’S SURPRISE**.  
1\. 50' of .5" PVC pipe (you'll need about 42-45 feet of it).  
  
2\. 8 orthogonal Tees

3\. 8 normal Tees  
  
4\. PVC saw (or other suitable device)  
  
5\. 7 or so yards of fabric 

6\. 3 cans of "Great Stuff" spray able expandable foam

7\. Spray paints  
  
8\. Measuring Device  
  
9\. Zip Ties  
  
10\. Packing Tape  
  
11\. Fabric cutting device  
  
12\. Aluminum foil  
  
13\. Hot Glue (careful chaps, it burns!)  
  
14\. Butcher's Paper (or other wide paper to cover the top)  
  
15\. 6' of 2" PVC pipe (2' per candle)  
  
16\. 1 confetti popper per candle (3' of string per candle)  
  
  
You sit on the floor of your "bedroom", with your head in your hands and groan. You've managed to get all your materials together, but you have no idea how to go about putting them together. You leap up as fast as you can (or more accurately, use the bed to push yourself up, groaning in pain as you go) and hobble out of your room then down the hall. You need to find your favorite nurse, you know she has the answers. "Jane," you holler as you swing your head wildly, searching for that telltale blue outfit. Aha! There she is, in the corner chatting it up with your other favorite nurse, Miss Roxy.   
“Jane,” you pant once more, as you come to a halt in front of the two. “I’ve been trying to find you for ages. Urm, Hello Miss Roxy.”  
     Roxy gives you a bubbly smile before winking at Jane. “I’ll see you later then,” she says as she walks away. Huh, you'd always known there was something going on between the two, but a relationship? Fascinating!   
You watch as Jane’s cheeks color before she turns to you. “What did you need?”   
Oh yes! “I need help of the utmost kind, as I am in a jam with no hope of getting out.”   
Her eyebrow ticks up, and you catch her trying not to giggle at your antiquated way of speaking.  “Oh? What have you done this time, Jake?”   
You affect a mock offended look, and pout. “I’ve done nothing wrong,” you sniff, “I just can’t figure out all the doo-dads and gadgets that came with the set located in my room…”   
This time her other eyebrow joins the first, tenting with amused confusion. “What are you talking about? Really, is this like the time when you’d decided to turn the rec room into a movie room, and ended up-”  
“NO! It’s different this time! I’m doing this to make Strider forgive me.  Come on, I’ll show you.”  
With that, you proceed to drag the bewildered nurse to your living quarters, where she helps you put together your very special surprise.  
  
Your name is Jake English, and this is the story of how you ended up in a stripper cake, dressed in a tux, and waiting to surprise Dirk Strider in front of your close friends and peers.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D Comments, questions, kudos?


	3. Idiocy is not just a thing of the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your name is Jake English, and you just might have an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I was on a small vacation to visit family, and the time just got away from me, but I'm almost home now.  
> Fun Fact: This chapter was written while on a layover in an airport. :DD

Needless to say, Dirk was not very happy with your.. 'Surprise.' You figured he’d have known it was a joke and would've laughed it off; that he would’ve smiled at you in that special way that only he can, which would’ve sent your heart that warm tingle like it always does. Unfortunately when you popped out amidst cardboard, glitter, and icing, all you’d seen was a  frowning Strider, who gazed at you with a strange mixture of disappointment and anger. He disappeared before you could talk to them, weaving in and out between the other laughing patients and nurses. You try to grab his shoulder as he leaves, but you’re instantly swamped with people tugging your sleeve and giggling, asking you who you’d done it for, and what the special occasion was. You manage to pull yourself away after a time of smiling falsely and answering asinine questions. Sighing, you make your way over to Jane and lean on the counter next to her. She gives you a sympathetic look and pats your back.   
“Jane? I’ve royally screwed this one up… I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.”   
“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad, he probably just wasn’-”   
“But did you see the way he looked at me? Golly, I’ve never seen the man look so… disappointed in me. I felt like he could see all the way through me. He was looking right into my very soul!”   
“You sound like John, calm dow-” You groan, interrupting her, and bury your face into her shoulder. You know you really shouldn’t be doing this, after all, you’re a grown adult male, for Pete’s sake! Then again…Jane’s shoulder is very comfortable, and you are in need of a little comfort… No! Snap out of it, English, and go find out what's wrong with your best friend!   
“Thanks Jane! You’re a doll.” You kiss her cheek, unwittingly interrupting her speech again, and race down the hallway (well, race as best as someone your age can ).   
She huffs and rubs her cheek, a fond smile crossing her face as she watches you hobble down the path to Dirk’s room.   
     
       Once you get there you knock seven times to the tune of ‘Shave and a Haircut’, your special knock that you’ve created just for Dirk. You press your ear to the door and listen for any motion inside. You know he’s in there, because you can hear the crinkling of a mattress and a soft sigh. You knock once more. You don’t hear any footsteps so you call in, “Dirk, I know you’re in there, so if you don’t answer soon, I’m going to just come in. I hope you’re decent.” You give him to the count of three. Then five. Then once you hit twenty, you decide to give in and just open the door. You’re not surprised to find him sitting cross-legged on the bed, messing with some kind of doo-dad and blatantly ignoring you. You make your way over to him and sit next to him. “Hello.” There’s no answer. “Dirk?” Again, no response. You huff and push him, barely nudging his shoulder. “There’s no need to be so rude! I don’t even know what your problem is today.” You cross your arms and stare at the opposite wall, upset. It’s silent for a few minutes before he shifts next to you, grabbing a screwdriver off a chair.   
“You know English, I’ve always hated when someone gets my hopes up only to disappoint me.” Huh.. that's not what you expected, but at least it’s something. Now what in the blazes is he talking about?! “I’m afraid you’ll have to explain a little more, dear chap, you’re going a bit over my head here.”   
He sighs, “You know what I mean, Jake. When someone tells you they’ll do something, and you feel somewhat special, like they’re going to do something for you. Just for you … And then they just.. crush everything, playing you off as a joke, dismissing you.” You feel absolutely terrible… You’d never guessed that someone could be this cruel to your Dirk! You need to teach them a lesson about disappointing friends!  You stand up in indignation, and jam your hands onto your hips, looking 100% the hero.   
“Who could’ve done something this terrible to you? This outrage will not go unpunished, see here, Strider!” Your break out of your pose once you hear yet another sigh from your dear friend (he is just full of air today, isn’t he?).   
“You really are an idiot, English. I’ve known you for over 45 years and yet your idiocy never fails to surprise me.” Well…. That was quite harsh. Where did the sudden venom and hostility in his voice come from? You deflate even more, sitting back beside him and hunching over. You’re lost, so you stare at him for several moments. “You know what? Never mind, I’ll see you later.” The disgust is evident in his tone as he sets down his project and gets up, exiting out of the room after. You’re left dumbfounded as you stare at his retreating back, the still-present muscles in his back shifting as he practically stomps away. You’ve never seen him this mad before. What did you do wrong? You sit and let everything come back to you from this week. Waiting in the detention room. Telling Dirk you had the surprise of a lifetime for him. Him smiling and saying he couldn’t wait in his own fashion.   Oh. Oh no… What have you done? You suspect the reason he was so mad was because you told him you were doing something special for him, so you suppose he was waiting with high hopes for some kind of gift or maybe another declaration of love or something (let’s be honest, the two of you do still rumple up the sheets occasionally), instead, you had made a big joke of it all, with the fake cake and pulling everyone together to laugh. No wonder he was upset. If you had been promised something wonderful, only to have it not come true, you’d be angry yourself! You sigh. You really need to find a way to apologize now. An actual heartfelt sentiment maybe? Or some kind of robotics gift? No. It needs to be straight from the soul, something that will make him forgive you instantly! You spend the next 20 minutes pondering, as you sit on Dirk’s bed, before rushing to your own room to draw out a plan.   
  
Your name is Jake English, and you just might have an idea.


	4. Dave==> Be yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You scan over the tables watching your fellow residents eat their dinner peacefully. If only they knew.  
> You try to hold in your snickers, but apparently don’t do well, as Karkat nudges you. “Care to share with the class, douchenozzle?”  
> You pap his cheek allowing yourself a small smile evil enough to make Rose proud. “Just relax, Karkittles. Enjoy the show.”  
> He eyes you for a few seconds, deciding whether or not to comment.  
> Unfortunately for him, you hear the loud whine of feedback coming from a microphone located in Jake’s hand, effectively cutting off all chances for a follow-up question. Jake looks nervous. Good. You lean back and wait for him to begin. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy almost Halloween, guys! It's been a while, but I've finally made another chapter, whoo! So, on another note, I've been hearing a lot about the new update, but I've been scared to go check it out because of the various reactions I've gotten when asking about it.. Was it that bad?

**Since you’ve had no opportunity to talk in this fricking fanfic, it’s clearly your turn to step into the spotlight and have this moment. After you all were caught and ‘punished’ (Really? Putting the four of you into a room and telling you not to talk? Ooh, how terrible), things had been going pretty well for you in the romance department. Karkat stopped being a wimp about coming into your room at night; which is pretty great, considering instead of staring at the ceiling  when you can’t sleep, you have someone to talk to. By talking of course, you mean riling up the lovely Cancer until you’re forced to subdue him with kisses.  On the other hand though, Jake and Dirk are acting strange. Dirk’s barely talked to you, or anyone- especially Jake- since the whole cake escapade. Jake’s been quiet too. No rambling on about adventures to anybody willing to listen, no more goofy grins during lunch. Something’s up, and you’re not sure you like it. Whatever, they’ll figure it out eventually...**  
  
  
“Hey, Kitkat.” You drape yourself over him, wincing when something in your back pops.   
“Strider”, he growls, “ How many times have I told you not to call me that?”   
You shrug and pull away, plopping yourself (gently) on the couch next to him, before sprawling yourself out and knocking the remote to the t.v. off of his lap. “I’m bored. Amuse me, Peasant.”  Karkat’s swift elbow knocks the breath out of you. You play it cool by refusing to gasp or choke. Instead, you rub your ribs and tilt your head in a mock-sad way, “Why, Vantas? Why?!” You cover your forehead with an arm and pout up at him. “My tender sensibilities, and frag-ile emotions can’t handle the pain thou hast bestowed on me!” Hey, nobody ever said you could act. He glares down at you before rolling his crimson eyes.

“Shut up, you’re not funny and you never will be.”

You hold on to his shoulders and yank him down, mouths inches away from each other. You hold him steady when he tries to wiggle out of your grip. “I’m hurt, Karkles,” you whisper, closing the space between the two of you, and kissing him gently. You keep him close by grasping locks of hair and gripping them tightly.

You smirk inwardly at the sound of shock he makes. For an old man, you have to admit he’s still pretty adorable. You let him go eventually, when you need to breathe, and relish in the flush across his face, making his little freckles stand out. He opens his mouth, most likely to curse you out. Since you really don’t want to lose your newly acquired happy buzz, you cover it with your hand, sliding off of him and absconding out of the room with a wink and a flirty wave. “Don’t worry, Vantas, I’ll let you make it up to me tonight.”

  


After leaving the room, feeling confident albeit excited, you’re instantaneously bumped by an unknown idiot not paying attention to their surroundings. Oh, it’s just Jake. You take back your statement. You were instaneously bumped by a known idiot, who wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings. He looks at you, green eyes re-focusing. You watch confusion and then recognition flash across his features.

“Dave! You’re just the person I was looking for,” he cries in relief.   
You smirk and shift; giving Jake your cockiest stance. You cross your arms, and lean on a hip. “Now isn’t this sweet? I always knew you’d give up on my brother. Wanted to try another Strider, didn’t you? Sorry, but this fine piece of as-”, You’re cut off by a large hand over your mouth and a flustered Brit. **_Dave: 1 Jake: 0._**

“Shut up. Please. That is not the case, nor will it ever be the case, so kindly close your mouth, as I have something to ask you.

You shrug, and raise your eyebrows; guaranteeing your silence. He hesitates before releasing you, prompting you to lick his hand as a friendly reminder to let you go.

He grimaces before wiping his hand against his pants. “Anyway, as I was about to say before I was so rudely interrupted, I have a favor to ask of you.”  

You shift again, this time into an ‘I’m listening’ sort of stance. “What're you gonna give me for it?”

He looks confused, “Well, What would you like?”

You smirk. Poor Jake. He really should know better than to ask you such a question.

  


 

* * *

You scan over the tables watching your fellow residents eat their dinner peacefully. _If only they knew._

  You try to hold in your snickers, but apparently don’t do well, as Karkat nudges you. “Care to share with the class, douchenozzle?”

You pap his cheek allowing yourself a small smile evil enough to make Rose proud. “Just relax, Karkittles. Enjoy the show.”

He eyes you for a few seconds, deciding whether or not to comment.

Unfortunately for him, you hear the loud whine of feedback coming from a microphone located in Jake’s hand, effectively cutting off all chances for a follow-up question. Jake looks nervous. _Good._ You lean back and wait for him to begin.

  
You watch him take a deep breath before pushing the giant, green button. He looks mortified, and you’re enjoying it dearly. Suddenly, moderately loud music fills the room, and Jake begins to sing.

 

_“Every time I go to dinner_

_it seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner_

_I'll sit down at the breakfast table_

_I can talk; they're not able.”_

 

**He’s not a singer, by any definition.**

 

_“When I look at them I find_

_there's a single question on their mind._

_I wish it could go back to the way it was_

_its not easy now because…”_

 

**His voice is too weak; straining and wavering.**

  


_“My whole family thinks I'm gay_

_I guess it's always been that way._

_Maybe its cause of the way that I walk,_

_that makes them think that I like...boys”_

 

**He’s awkward; shifting, fidgeting, and clumsy.**

 

 

_“Even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay…”_

 

_**You’re loving every second with manic** **glee**. _

 

* * *

  
  
After he’s done singing, you go up and clap him on the back lightly, briefly excusing his impromptu performance as a joke. His face is a weird contortion of embarrassment, happiness, and relief. The small smattering of pitiful applause he receives is enough to make your day go from great to off the flippin handle fantastic. Feeling like you've done your quota of daily brother-in-lawish embarrassment, you help Jake put away the microphone and stereo. Once you're done, you turn to him with a small smile and lean against the door frame.   
  
“So, what did you want from me, English?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, you're never too old to trick-or-treat. Go score some candy.


	5. Making plans with hot old men (Jake===> be you then Dirk)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You want me to what?”
> 
> “I want you to help me re-woo your brother."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really short filler chapter while I'm still in writing mode :D
> 
> Oh oh oh! by the way.. If anyone happens to be in the mood to draw me some wonderful fanart, I do have a tumblr, guys. (hint, hint, nudge, wink) 
> 
> Sorry, I just think that would be the best thing ever! :DD

**Be Jake**  
  
After the horrifying stunt Dave had just put you through, you’d have expected him to be nicer about helping you. Unfortunately, you’d forgotten you were talking to a Strider.   
  
“You want me to what?”  
  
“I want you to help me re-woo your brother,” you reply, ducking your head sheepishly.    
  
Dave snorts, “I’m going to be polite, because that’s the kind of guy I am, and forget about the fact that you used ‘re-woo’ and my brother in a sentence. However, I’m not sure if I’m the right guy to help you.” He cuts of the beginnings of your protest with a raised palm, “I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it, but I’m going to need a very short, very angry, and very hot old man by my side.” He smirks to himself, probably imagining a million things that you have absolutely no interest in.  

You agree without hesitation, you’re that desperate to make sure you get Dirk back. Not that you ever lost him, he’s just mad at you and hasn’t said more than 2 words to you this week. “Alright, I’ll do whatever it takes, can we meet tomorrow before breakfast? I want this done as soon as possible.”   
He nods and walks off, presumably to talk to Karkat.  
  
 **Be Dirk**

  
Ok, here’s the thing. It’s not that you’re actually _mad_ at Jake, but would it really be too much to ask for a romantic gesture from time to time? It’s not that Jake’s an idiot, he’s really not. It just so happens that he doesn’t take clues unless something drastic (such as you pretending to give him the cold shoulder) happens. You figure it won’t be long before he tries to make things up to you again; you saw him talking to Dave earlier. Although you couldn’t hear what they were saying exactly, you know Jake well enough to know that he was asking him for help. The desperate look on his face and secretive glances at you gave it away as well.    
Deciding to make this a little easier on Jake, when you pass him in the hallway later on, you give him a half-smile, but don’t speak. He looks perplexed then excited and grins at you. You nod and make your way into your room, closing the door behind you.

_This is going to be fun~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doesn't it ever make y'all mad that when I actually do get off my lazy butt and write a chapter, it turns out to be something really short and insignificant? Yikes.


	6. Do you have what it takes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They both look to you in question, and you clear your throat nervously, “I’m not looking for a miracle or anything, gentlemen. I just want to learn how to be smooth and polished. To be someone who could charm the pants off of Dirk Strider in an instant.” 
> 
> Dave leans back in his seat, whistling lowly. “You’re wrong, English. This is gonna take a miracle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually really proud of this chapter, guys. It's not that long, or even that special, but I like it Oh well. XD
> 
> Psst. guys, this thing will be coming to a close soon. I'm not sure how many chapters are left though.. maybe 4? I don't write the fic, the fic writes me.

  
Plopping your bagel with cream cheese and chives and grape juice on the table in front of Dave the next morning, you smile tersely at him. “Alright mate, show me what you’ve got.”  
  
Dave raises an eyebrow, red eyes severely unimpressed as he swallows his bite of pancake. “Gimme a second here, English. Seriously, you’re needier than a mama with baby drama who lives in the Bahamas with the leg hair of a llama and the-”  
  
“Strider! This is no time for your confounded riddles! I did not humiliate myself in front of a bunch of our friends for you to break your deal with me!”   
  
“Technically, you humiliate yourself in front of a bunch of our friends all the time, _without_ making deals with me,”  Dave replies calmly, ripping into another piece of pancake.   
  
You’re torn between whining like a child or growling, but a tray dropping onto the spot beside you prohibits you from doing either.    
  
“Alright, I’m here, canker blossoms.”   
  
You make a face at the unfamiliar word, but smile at the grumpy newcomer anyway, “Good morning to you, Karkat. I trust you’ve had a good night?”  
  
He cuts you a glance, eyeballs cutting you to pieces. Figuratively of course, “ Let’s see. First, I had to deal with this  insufferable douchewad  grating on my nerves about helping you romanticize his brother, which is odd, because the last time, I’d checked, you guys have been together for 45 years, and should know how to get your tongues out of your eyeholes by now!”   
  
You furrow your brow, forgoing his grumpiness in place of questioning his word phrasing. You snort internally. _A_ _nd people said your vocabulary was off_.   
  
Dave finishes eating and leans forward, resting his chin on his hand. He smirks at the two of you, “Don’t take Karkles too seriously. He’s just mad that the hot cook ladies didn’t share their syrup with him.”  
  
“Ok, for one, those _hags_ are even older than us, which is practically impossible, and two, the only sticky fluids that I want in my protein chute from those decrepit waste pits is the blood of their past selves in a bowl!”   
  
“.....Urm, I hate to be a naysayer, dear chum, but is that even possible?”  
  
Karkat’s face turns purple and he faces you fully to rage. You cower a little and Dave sticks an arm in between the two of you, waving it a little, “Hey. If y’all are done here, we have a problem to fix.”  
  
Karkat swallows his anger with momentous effort and faces Dave, nodding once, “Right. So what are we doing?”  
  
They both look to you in question, and you clear your throat nervously, “I’m not looking for a miracle or anything, gentlemen. I just want to learn how to be smooth and polished. To be someone who could charm the pants off of Dirk Strider in an instant.”   
  
Dave leans back in his seat, whistling lowly. “You’re wrong, English. This is gonna take a miracle.”   
  


* * *

  
“D-Dave! No more. I can’t take it.” _Your body aches and you just want to let go._  
  
“Suck it up English, only a few more inches.” _You can practically hear the smirk in his voice._  
  
“But Dave,” you whine, “It hurts..”  
  
The youngest Strider releases the tape measure around your waist, allowing your admittedly paunchy gut to stick right back out. You rub your belly and hiss at the soreness. “Was that really necessary?”   
  
“Do you want to do the diddle with my bro?”   
  
“Urm, yes. That is to say, with caution, I mean in-”  
  
“Then yes. It was completely necessary.”   
  


* * *

  
“Alright, Grandpa. Repeat after me.”   
  
“Karkat, I’m fairly sure you’re older than I-”  
  
“REPEAT AFTER ME, DOUCHENOZZLE.”  
  
You rolls your eyes and nod.   
  
“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”   
  
“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird. Wait.. This doesn’t make any sense, Karkat. We’re humans. If we were birds we wouldn’t be able to speak.”  
  
“THAT’S NOT THE POINT, YOU IMBECILE. IT’S ROMANTIC, AND EVERYONE LOVES THE NOTEBOOK!”   
  
“I’m simply stating that it doesn’t make sense. Karkat? Where are you going? Don't leave me! Come back mate, it was only a question!”   
  


* * *

  
“Jake?”   
  
“Yes, Dave?”   
  
“The Council has decided.”  
  
“..What Council?”  
  
“The Council of Karkat and me.”  
  
“I’m fairly sure the two of you don’t make a Council.”  
  
“Anyway, we have decided that in order for you to turn yourself into the man you want to be, you need to start working out and drop a couple pounds, and watch the films we picked out for you.”  
  
“You call these films? The Notebook, Atonement, Titanic, Fifty First Dates? Dirty Dancing?”   
  
A near-silent sigh fills the room. “Just do it, Jake. We’ll reconvene in a week to see what you’ve learned.”   
  


* * *

  
  
  


**Since Jake English is currently busy filling his think-pan with movies of unbelievable amounts of romance, you are now Karkat.  
  
** You watch Dave sweep his thinning hair off of his forehead. He’s still beautiful after all these years- not that you’d tell him so. It’d only go to his head. As it is, you lean in and give him a kiss on the cheek, before sitting beside him and taking his hand. You fight off a smile as he blushes.  
  
“What was that for?”   
  
You don’t really know that answer to that, so you switch topics quickly. “Why are we even helping that idiot? You’d think that after being together for so long that he’d know by now Dirk doesn’t want anything fancy.. he just wants Jake as he is.”   
  
He shrugs, a small smile gracing his lips. “I think he just wants to prove to himself that he’s still got it.”   
  
You squint at him, tilting your head to see his eyes better, “Weren’t our mid-life crisis’ due years ago?”   
  
He laughs, “Yeah, but Jake’s always been a little odd.”  He squeezes your hand. “Besides, it’ good for him, and for us too.”   
  
“Hm? Why do you say that?”   
  
Dave smirks, leaning closer to you, lips stopping barely an inch away from yours, breath ghosting over your bottom lip, “Because, while he’s busy, it leaves us more time for this.” He closes the gap, cupping the back of your neck and scooting even closer.   
  
You make a vow to help Jake English with whatever idiotic plans he comes up with in the future. Then your mind goes fuzzy.


	7. Jake? Woo the Dirk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two days after your impromptu lessons with Dave and Karkat, you feel ready to take your chances with Dirk.   
>  •You have scoured every single movie they’d given you, writing down the most important quotes (Nobody puts Baby in the corner? Classic Patrick Swayze)
> 
> • Gone to the gym (not that it helped much. You were only there for 2 days) 
> 
> • Borrowed a corset from Roxy (You refuse to talk about how good you look in it, or the fact that you haven’t taken it off yet because you don’t know if you can get back in it)
> 
> •And have practiced smooth pick-up lines that are guaranteed to have Dirk turning to butter in your smooth, charming embrace. (Is your Father a western crook? Because your smile should be outlawed for it’s beauty. Oh yeah. You’re the man.) 
> 
> (Basically, an old nerd asks another old nerd on a date.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the longest chapter I've ever written.. wow. It's only 1,236 words. Happy belated Veteran's Day to you all.

  
Two days after your impromptu lessons with Dave and Karkat, you feel ready to take your chances with Dirk. You have:  
  
• Scoured every single movie they’d given you, writing down the most important quotes (Nobody puts Baby in the corner? Classic Patrick Swayze)  
  
• Gone to the gym (not that it helped much. You were only there for 2 days)   
  
• Borrowed a corset from Roxy (You refuse to talk about how good you look in it, or the fact that you haven’t taken it off yet because you don’t know if you can get back in it)  
  
• And have practiced smooth pick-up lines that are guaranteed to have Dirk turning to butter in your smooth, charming embrace. (Is your Father a western crook? Because your smile should be _ outlawed _ for it’s beauty. Oh yeah. You’re the man.)     
  
You have yet to see Dirk since your little fumble in the hall, but all that’s about to change. You’ve set up a romantic dinner date for the two of you (with the permission of the director of the home) and are equipped with a bouquet of Asiatic lilies, courtesy of Jane, a Rolodex full of charming phrases, and to top it off, a black tuxedo and green bow tie that you’ve been told brings out your eyes and makes you look “dashing”.      
Stepping up to Dirk’s room, you knock on the door, trying to stuff down your anxiety and butterflies. “Just a minute!” You hear shuffling from inside and the door swings open to reveal an exhausted looking Dirk.  _ He looks so tired… I wonder how he’s been doing. We haven’t spent much time together lately. _ He perks up before you can really expand on those thoughts though; orange eyes returning to their normal intensity, and a half-smirk playing on his lips, although he can’t really hide the surprise you see quirking up the other side of his mouth. You know him too well for that. He takes in your offering with an expression that on somebody else, you’d call eager, reveling in their ochre beauty.    
  
“You got these for me?”    
  
You nod, feeling a little shy, “I know you don’t like other flowers because they’re too smelly.. Asiatics don’t have any sort of fragrance. Also they reminded me of your eyes..”    
  
His eyes, the exact color of the lilies, soften, and he reaches a hand out to cup your cheek. You close your eyes and lean into the embrace. Something about his touch always makes you feel so safe. You pull away from him, shaking off your tender feelings. You’re supposed to be the wooer doing the wooing, not the wooee of the wooer’s wooing.  (That ran away from you a bit, but you’ll pretend it made sense.)    
  
“U-um anyhow. Dirk Strider, I would like to take you, nay, I  _ am  _ going to take you out for a romantic evening.” You plaster on a charming smile, hoping he doesn’t realize how hard you’re shaking. It’s not as easy as you thought it would be; he could say no, and slam the door in your face.  _ No, he’d never do that, one little misconception wouldn’t be enough to- oh… _  Dirk backs into his room and closes the door behind him without a word. You stare at it, more than a little hurt.  _ Well, at least it wasn’t a slam.. _ You turn, prepared to sulk back to your own room, when the door re-opens behind you. You spin to find Dirk standing there flower-less, with a genuine smile on his face.    
  
“I wanted to put the flowers away. Of course I’ll go on a date with you.” He offers his hand to you, and you grab it, flashing him a smile so large it hurts your cheeks. You marvel at his palm’s texture. It’s callused, but not as much as it had been a decade ago. His hands, like his bones, were softening with age.    
The two of you walk down the hall, hand-in-hand, until you reach the cafeteria. You push open the door and hold it for him, frowning nervously, until a strangled gasp makes you smile.  With the help of Roxy, Jane, and a few of your other friends, you’d transformed the room into a romantic set that comes straight from the movies. You’d pushed all of the tables except for one to the side, covering the unmoved table with a plaid tablecloth. Roxy, being allowed to use matches, set up a pretty water candle in the middle of the table, and two plates on either side.    
You escort your man to the table and pull out his chair for him, returning to your side of the table when he sits.    
  
“Do you like it, then?”     
  
“I really do.. You did all of this for me, Jake?”  Dirk’s eyes are bright and happy, and the candle light makes his angular features soften. He looks devastatingly beautiful. You nod and take his hand, kissing the back of it softly. “Of course.” Next, you reach under the table and pull out a bell. Ringing it lightly, you watch as Roxy and Jane come out holding two plates of food. They set them in front of you respectively, and remove the lids. For you both, you’ve requested his favorites; various sushi rolls, and yakisoba, with pork dumplings. His eyes light up when he sees the food, looking back at you with a big smile, that only you can draw out.    
  
“Dig in, guys.” Roxy waves and nudges Jane, and the two head back out. You smile back at Dirk, and you both follow her directions, “digging in” with a passion.    


* * *

  
  
After you finish dinner, you stack the plates and leave a thank you note for Roxy and Jane for their help. You take Dirk’s hand in yours and interlace your fingers. He rubs his thumb over your knuckles while you sigh happily. You’ve missed this. The easy silence, and his hand intertwined with yours. Something’s still bothering you though..    
  
“So, are we okay, Mr. Strider? Have I made up for my obliviousness?”    
  
He nods, and tilts his head up to kiss your cheek, “You’ve made up for it ten times over, English. You did just fine.”     
  
You’re a little more relieved, but there’s still something, niggling in your brains that makes you feel uneasy. What is it?  __ Oh..    
  
“Urm, Dirk, Love?” You stop walking and squirm in place a bit.   
  
“Hmm?”   
  
“I.. Ahem, meant to tell you.. The dinner tonight?”   
  
“Mmhm?” His eyes narrow a bit, an almost tangible warning sign flashing in them.   
  
“W-Well.. IordereditfromthatrestaurantthatyoulikesomuchIdidn’tactuallycookitI'msoverysorryImadeitseemlikeIdid!”  It all comes out in a rush, and even though you’re nervous, that uneasy niggling is gone. You wait for his reply, wincing as you look at him. He doesn’t speak for a moment, and then he breaks his own silence, throwing his head back and laughing, tears of mirth rolling down his cheeks. You don’t think you’ve ever seen him laugh this hard before. To be honest, you’re worried.    
  
“D-Dirk?”    
  
He wipe the tears from his face, still chuckling. Once he manages to calm himself down, he wraps you in a hug, long arms surrounding you and making you feel loved. “It’s alright. I expected nothing less from you, Jake English, wooer extraordinaire.”    
  
Before you can decide if that’s a compliment or a dig, he pulls you into a shadowy corner, and the two of you neck like teens until the security guard comes and escorts you to your respective rooms.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, Asiatic lilies look like this: http://www.bhg.com/gardening/design/color/orange-flower-garden-ideas/#page=7  
>  They're so beautiful..


	8. Epilogue: Be Karkat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So they finally got their junk together, huh?” You lean against Dave and he wraps an arm around your waist. Being the.. nice people you are, the two of you (Okay, really, it was Roxy and Jane) had thrown a Congratulations party for Dirk and Jake. You’re not exactly sure what you’re actually celebrating, but Jane made cake so you don’t really give a flying fig. However, it’s getting late, almost everyone has disappeared to their rooms, and the cake was gone an hour ago.  
> You just really want to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... YAY IT'S DONE I finished a fic!!! *throws party hats in air*

 “So they finally got their junk together, huh?” You lean against Dave and he wraps an arm around your waist. Being the.. nice people you are, the two of you (Okay, really, it was Roxy and Jane) had thrown a Congratulations party for Dirk and Jake. You’re not exactly sure what you’re actually celebrating, but Jane made cake so you don’t really give a flying fig. However, it’s getting late, almost everyone has disappeared to their rooms, and the cake was gone an hour ago.   
You just really want to leave.  
  
“I guess..”   
  
You look up at him, hearing the bit of disgust in his voice. “Did you not want them back together? They’re really annoying when they’re apart.”   
  
He smirks, “True, but they’re even more annoying now. Congrats and all to them about getting their passion back or whatever, but.. do they really have to be so.. affectionate?”  The two of you watch as Jake sits on Dirk’s lap, and kisses him sloppily, while Dirk’s hands run across Jake’s back in a not-so-innocent way, before they slip into the back of his pants. Normally, it’d be okay, and probably kind of hot, but seeing as all of you are well over 60, it’s just kind of sad and disturbing.  You shudder and quickly ollie-the-heck-outie with Dave when you see Jake pull a bottle of Viagra out of his pocket. That is something you definitely do not, nor have ever wanted to see.  EVER.   
  
Once you make it out with both of your eyes thankfully intact (you may or may not have covered your eyes and yelled ‘nope’ as you ran out. You will deny it if a certain red-eyed blonde ever brings it up) you lead him down the hallway and out to the porch, where the two of you make yourselves comfortable on the chair swing. Relaxing amongst the soft pillows, the two of you are lucky enough to catch the beginning of the sunset. It’s beautiful, so you make like every teenage cliche movie and hold hands in silence, watching the colors stream across the sky.   
  
“Hey, Karkles,” Dave yawns. His eyes are starting to droop, and you know it’s time to head back in, but you don’t want to ruin this moment.  
  
“Hm?” You rest your head on his shoulder, feeling so at peace it’s almost unreal.  
  
“Let’s never get old.”  
  
“Too late, idiot.”  You say the moniker with affection, and kiss his forehead, content to stay right where you are.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah.. So. I don't know what was up with that epilogue.. but I hope you guys enjoyed it. Thanks for sticking with me and these old losers. :D

**Author's Note:**

> "Detention room for geriatrics."
> 
> P.s. Has anyone noticed that my horizontal breaks changed? I just did.. whoops.


End file.
